A Guide for Life After Loss with Joy Fairhall

The Foundation of Happiness: A Personal Journey

Cate: Good morning, Joy. What a delight to have you with us.

Joy: Good morning. How are you, Cate? It's lovely to be here.

Cate: We were just talking and you said that every single morning you go to the beach and take in the sunrise.

Joy: Yeah. People ask me how I can be so grounded. When you start the day in quiet and watching the beauty of a new day unfold, it's just the best way. Your day just gets better after that. I just love it.

Cate: Yeah, I'm the same. There's no question marks for me after watching that sunrise. It's just, you know, how can I best bring that kind of energy in and and keep rolling with it all day? Mind you, it makes me happy.

Joy: It makes you happy, doesn't it? I often have to go out for a quick refresher course in sunshine.

Cate: Yes. At the desk for too long. So, you know, it's beautiful to know that you ground what you teach in such a magnificent moment every day. And I love that you've taken your experience to bring us happiness success systems. And you've taken your experience of loss and grieving. And it was a quarter of a century ago now that you first that story happened.

Joy: Yeah, it to have such devastation at a young age. I was 37 and my children were 10 and 12 at the time. It just shatters you. And it was very aggressive cancer and very quick. So we had normal life. We were a team together, my husband and I. I worked night shift, he worked day and in between we shared the children. We made it very much a team. It was our family. We didn't have any others apart from our grandparents, etc., who came to visit. So shattered is really what happened to our family. The kids didn't have a dad who tucked them into bed at 7:00 after work. He took them to basketball and cooked dinner with them and was very much involved in their life. So, yeah, and in my first book, I share that utter devastation and the emotion of that so that people can really understand that I've been there. It's different for everyone, but grief is not understood until you go through it. It's not being sad. It's just devastating and it stays with you for life.

Cate: It's a very personal experience, isn't it? Different for everybody, but I think, you know, what's so beautiful about the way that you've written is that you've created a bit of a map that allows people to absolutely explore their own journey. You're not saying, "Do this, do that." You're saying, "Well, here we go. Here's some really great tools to have a little deep dive into what... Yeah, what has happened to you and to utilize the strengths, your strengths, and to utilize your life to get over this." So I just want to say to everybody who's kindly joined us that Joy's suffering from laryngitis. So I'm sorry, which is a bit very good of you to join us despite...

Joy: No, they call it resilience now. My family calls me stubborn. I call it resilient. But, yeah, just to touch on your point, the Happiness Success System is very much focused on what's right for you. I just put the framework in place and you do the work with it. And every chapter has approximately how long it will take because when you're coming out of grief, even, you know, two, three, four years later, it's hard to process that maybe you are going to feel happy and there's guilt and everything around that as well. So the work is not really work. I call it play work. And it is very much your strategy, your system that you're building, just using the methods and the tools and the techniques that I found very useful and have helped many clients as well.

From Grieving to Guiding: A New Normality

Cate: How did you move transition from your first book to your second book? I haven't read your first book. I've read a little bit of it but I haven't read it cover to cover. So tell me a little bit about where what the gap was between finishing your first book and coming to write your second book, where the perceived need was, etc. How did that...

Joy: Yeah. So my first book, for those who don't know, was called The Empty Pillow Beside You. That's what I missed the most. Apart from everything else, but just having that person beside you where you have those intimate conversations and talk about the kids and, you share yourself, you know, your authentic self with your partner. Hence where that title came from. And it's sort of like a guide book. It's not meant to be read chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3. It is very much when you need to someone says to you, "Oh, you're strong. You'll get through it." That's a myth. You know, you can be strong, but grief is tough. And you don't have to be strong. You need to acknowledge your feelings. You need to work through them. You need to accept. You need to have a new normality. So the book is very much to be looked at sort of as a guide book and you go into it and read what you need at that time. But I pretty much did it from for a 12 month type of period. So preparing for the funeral, how you need to go to probate, the myths around, you know, the seven stages of grief. You know, that was for cancer. It was never meant to be around grief and sort of the processes that you may find really tough and also understanding people process grief differently. Your sister or brother or mother, whoever you may be, judging them because they're not showing emotion or they're showing too much emotion or don't want to go to the cemetery or do go to the cemetery. So pretty much covered that 12 month period and then it was sort of that next step of, yes, starting to have a new normal. By 12 months, normally the probate's done, whatever you're doing if it's a life partner or you've decided on the house. If you've got kids, they're sort of getting back to a new normality around 12 months. And that's when you start looking at what your life is like now and the very next step which left... led me to happiness. As I mentioned, some people find guilt. "Oh, I laughed. I did this. What does that mean? I'm forgetting my life partner." So, that's what led me to the next one. And I just wanted to be really simplistic. My first book is a physical book or an e-book. This one's not a very long book at all. It really just gets to the point. It allows you to pick it up when you need to do some strategies, do some meditation and techniques and understand that this is normal and it's okay. So that's where... led to the second book.

Cate: I love that. I love that you're giving people permission to be happy, you know, and all the tools to get there. And, you know, I guess it's an honoring, isn't it, really, of who's passed as well to move back into full strength in our humanity and all all cylinders firing.

Joy: It is. And and a lot of people don't understand what happiness is. If I ask someone you some of my clients, "You what makes you happy?" I mentioned walking on the beach. If I didn't do that every day, I'd just crave it. But some people don't know. They don't know what happy is. I'll just pass back to you while I get a drink of water if it's okay.

Cate: Certainly. Absolutely. Welcome, Janine. Thanks so much for joining us. Also, we've got the very brave Joy here. She's got laryngitis, so she's struggling a little bit with the throat, but, all is well. I also wanted to draw attention to Lisa. You've just said, "I recoil when people say that you're so strong." Yeah. Wow. I'd love you to talk a little to that, Joy.

Joy: Well, was that about being strong? She said, "Yes." Lisa said, "I recoil when people say that you're so strong." Yep. Look, I people call me a strong person, but when I was in grief, I needed to be really private. And I crumbled. You know, I had sobs coming from my belly that were just guttural. I'd never heard myself like that. And I didn't want to share that with other people. So, some people don't see what you're actually going through. Depending on the person, it depends on your emotions, depends who you're most comfortable with. I had two young children. I had to be stronger for them. But I'd had a fine line of wanting them to see and acknowledge that I was grieving, they were grieving, and we had to do it together. So there was a fine line of showing strength and guidance as well as letting them see that it was okay to acknowledge grief. And it's really important when someone says you're strong. "You'll get through it" going, "Well, actually, I'm not," because if you do that, the emotions like anything just going to go down and will explode somewhere else. So yes, that's one of the seven myths I talk about in the first book. And that again is, "While I've got through that first 12 months, I still don't feel as if I want to be happy." And this is sort of guiding back to what did make you happy. The simple things. Yeah, not truly technical, very simple, very calming. There's so many myths in there that people just believe are a fact and they're actually not.

Cate: I think, you know, we're maturing, aren't we, as a human race. But there's been a lot of books that tell you what to do, you know, in the past. And I think we're getting more and more aware of the differences, the beautiful differences of every single human on this planet and, you know, what they have to draw and where they've come from in terms of past life, in terms of their ancestry, in terms of their family upbringing, culture. There is no one-size-fits-all. So, you know, bless Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and everybody else that's given guidelines because it does help. But I think we've got better and better at presenting, "Well, here's a possible matrix that might fit your situation. But of course, you'll have your own response."

Joy: It's exactly... we've all got, you know, we talk about neural pathways. We're really creating a new neural pathway to happiness after such a deeply challenging loss. And, you know, from birth to where we are right now, we've all got different neural pathways. We've had different upbringings. We've had different life experiences. We we all have different experiences is going to change, you know, how we go about it. We have different beliefs, values, purpose. Everything just impacts, which is why it was really important for me to provide, you know, loose rails for you to create your own because you're exactly right. I don't know who was saying that because it is, it's a, it's a wild ride and you need to bring it in to be your own and tailor it for yourself.

Cate: Yes, Lisa said that and absolutely true, Lisa, grief is not linear.

The Pillars of Happiness

Joy: Exactly. And look, a lot of people I talk mainly about life partner, but in the happiness success, it's more broader. I have another book I want to write for people who have lost someone to suicide and this can come into that as well. There's a lot around that as well, but happiness is has so many benefits that help grief. You know, your immunity goes down when you're grieving because you've got so much stress, etc. Happiness brings the endorphins. You know, it can make you look younger because you're smiling or you're getting out and walking or you're in flow doing something you like. There's so many benefits. You know, I could say, "Dr. Fairy Hall, here's a prescription happiness, practice this once a day." And it can be as simple as walking on the beach, walking your dog, hearing your child giggle. I want things to be really simplistic. They don't have to be complicated. There's so much out there nowadays saying "be happy, be happy, be happy." And people with money, everything that they've ever wanted and they're not happy because they've lost sight of what the simplistic things are that is right for them and not someone else.

Cate: In some ways, I think you, how to word this? In some ways, when you're grieving and you've paired back to almost nothing, you know, you're just so empty, I guess, when you're grieving. So, in some ways, it's almost a benefit for the restructure, isn't it? Because, when you're thinking about happiness and how to bring that into your life, you're starting from point zero with grieving.

Joy: Yeah, absolutely. And look at, you know, talk about my children. You know, it was just like simple things. That gap between school and them going to bed was when their father was very present. And finding things that would make them happy in that time, but not replace him. Yes, we continue to do basketball, etc. I obviously had to move to a day job. But it was like simple things. He used to just go up the milk bar and get the milk. So, we used to go to not quite right with $5 and I'd go, "Go buy whatever you want." And it was just those simple little things of distraction, but bringing back those little moments of happiness that they started to connect to and start their new normal life. So, it can be that simple.

Cate: So tell me when what year did you write The Empty Pillow Beside Me?

Joy: Oh, you're asking me now. Isn't that terrible? It was in '97 I lost Graeme, my husband. It would have been just before COVID, I think it was.

Cate: Okay. So actually the book was picked up quite a lot through COVID period for people searching. I mean that was a situational grief. I had so many people around me in what I call a situational grief. The loss of normality in a situation which COVID very much was and trying to look for happiness in a situation which in Melbourne was quite dire. I was quite lucky. I was regional. Had a bit more freedom. But yes, so it was around that period. And was it well picked up? Do you feel that it's done well so far?

Joy: I don't think it's has gone as well as my first book. My my first book is definitely I did that in when I... Isn't that terrible? I should know the date, shouldn't I? It's almost been 10 years since I wrote that book and it's doing very well. People just seem to like it because they can pick it up and do it. I think happiness isn't something that's looked at initially and so I think when they search for happiness it may get lost a bit amongst, you know, the new age happiness if I'm honest.

Cate: It's just such a big theme. You know, there's so much written on it. So, yeah, it's hard to stand out.

Joy: So hopefully. Yeah. And it's all based on positive psychology and well-being. They're the principles that I really like in psychology. And that's what I base all my work around. What's right in your life and build on that, not what's wrong.

Cate: Love that principle. So, is there a part of the book that you might like to read to us or share with us? How's your voice feeling?

Joy: Yeah. No, that's fine. I was just going to actually just read a little bit and I'll put my glasses on in a minute. It is just really what happiness is. A lot of people, there's a few components of what happiness is. And I thought it might be important for people to understand what happiness is. What is joy? What what are those principles? And and for happiness, you need to have a meaning, connection, communication, and satisfaction. When you combine all of those, that's when you feel content with your life. And then you can look for moments that bring you joy and those continued moments of happiness. And I've written this that happiness starts with you. Not with your job, not with your house, not with the car you drive, not with your money. Happiness starts with you. And a lot of people go, "Oh, I'll be happy when I get this new promotion." And they get that promotion. And the endorphins are there and it's fabulous. I'm not putting down getting a new job. However, then you're looking for something else. And again, what's going to give you meaning? Was the promotion about money? Was it about actually wanting to step in there? Was it something you were passionate about or did you just see it as climbing a corporate ladder or going sideways to something else? So this is where you need to look at the meaning, the connection and the satisfaction around happiness and what it means to you. And and when you do that, that really brings you happiness. And I'll bring that back to my morning sunrise walk. You know, it brings me satisfaction. I know if I don't have that walk, my day won't be as calm and I won't be as grounded. The meaning for me around seeing the break of a new day, the dawn of a new day brings excitement for me. You know, I love what I do. But if I don't have any clients that day, I still know I'm going to have a beautiful day. I've seen a sunrise or I've seen rolling clouds or I've seen a dolphin or whatever it is I've seen on the beach. And the communication, you know, I usually share a live at least a couple of minutes of that every day. Because other people say, "I can't start my day till I've seen your beach." And then that's that ripple effect. So that satisfies me that I'm maybe going to make a difference in someone else's day because how you start your day is how your day is going to continue. I find if it's hectic and everything goes wrong, that'll continue. So you can see how I've put that meaning, the connection, the satisfaction and communication around just that one moment in the morning and how that builds into my life. And, you know, just have a look at your the things that bring you happiness and bring those four things in. "Does this give me meaning?" Or it may be a relationship, it may be a job, it may be something you're considering. Just have a look at that and then bring those other components in and really just melt it to yourself because it's different for everyone.

Cate: So meaning, connection, communication and satisfaction, right? It's a beautiful little framework actually and I'm going to start applying it to every time I feel happy. I could be very busy. I often feel happy.

Joy: And I often say people go, "I don't have time." How many times... put your little hand up on Zoom if you've got it, don't know how to do it. How many times you say, "Look, I'm too busy. I'll schedule in that moment for the walk on the beach tomorrow." Or, "I don't have a beach, I'll schedule walking out the backyard and just taking a breath before I start my day." Can be that simple. But I'm too busy. I've got kids. I've got to get to work. I've got to cook. I've got to do this for my husband. Even just taking three minutes which will lead me into my gift I'm giving a bit later will bring you happiness. You know, one minute, two minute, three minutes, lovely to go on retreats, lovely to do all those things. But the more we connect to happiness every day, the more you will look for that. Your body builds up that neural pathways and you feel it and you will just, it just is like a calming. You go from an adult's roller coaster every day to, you know, still getting life challenges, things that go wrong, things that'll challenge you, kids that won't eat their lunch, whatever. But it makes it into a child's roller coaster. You're able to cope with things a lot better. That's that's sort of what example I like to give.

Cate: Yeah. It just ties into everything we know now, doesn't it? About gratitude and about respect and about like being present, nature, filling with nature.

Joy: All the absolutely the simplicity is the key I think.

Cate: Absolutely.

Joy: Look, it can be you've made a lovely cup of coffee in the morning and you know, you've put your froth on the top and you're like, "Looks like a heart or looks like a dolphin," or, you know, "I've made a really nice cup of coffee today or cup of tea." That's that's what I do with most of my sharing is make it simple and that makes everything easier. If you're looking to do things that are hard, what do we normally do? We procrastinate. So, make them really simple. And if you're coming from grief, then you really need simple because the mind just is not focusing. It hasn't got a neural pathway made yet. So, you need really simplistic paths.

Cate: I just was looking at your tagline there on your Zoom, "joy, fill day with joy." So, fill every day with joy. And that's not me. It's about just taking those moments every day. It's like gratitude. Fill every day with joy. And that's what I say to everyone.

Joy: Yeah. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Cate: I'm just going to gently open things up here and see if anybody would like to mention anything, tell stories, comment on anything that Joy might have said. It's always great to have a conversation and as we've been saying, everybody has such different such different experiences of life. I'd love to hear if anyone's got any questions or feedback.

Martin: Yeah. Thank you so much, Joy. This is so beautiful and that nature is so healing. Like when you go in nature, we are nature and it's just instant healing. It's like when you are connecting and that, you know, joy in Chinese medicine belongs to the fire element and the fire controls metal which is grief. So the more joy, the more you balance the grief. So it's like a, like a, you know, natural combat. Yeah. So yeah, and just being grateful for whatever you have. Yeah. Beautiful.

Joy: Thank you, Martin. Thank you. I think of what you do, Martin, and think, you know, it's so important, isn't it, to reach out and have practitioners, people that know, help boost your system to stop that immune plunge that a lot of people go through in grief, to be there, you know, just to talk with. But there's so many different modalities that are useful when you're in that state of emptiness and state of, you know, whatever it is for everybody.

Joy: There is. I love Reiki. I mean, as you say, there's so many different tools and techniques. Reiki with grief, as you know, works on emotions. It's so powerful, but so gentle as well. But as you say, there are so many different modalities out there to do and I suggest to people to have a team. You know, when you need someone to laugh with, know which friend you need to ring, that friend you need to talk to in the middle of the night, who's going to answer, and have that person there when you really need that support. Have your parents or your friends or your kids, sort of have the three or four people that you know is going to fulfill what you need in that moment. It's really important to do that. But also get comfortable with yourself. Because that's where the work... you're the one that knows yourself the best. No one else knows you as well as you. And listen to those instincts. If you need quiet, if you need to be away, if you need music, if you need the bush or the beach or desert, whatever it may be, water, swimming, dancing, just listen to those. And again, it doesn't have to be big. It can just be, you know, putting on music and headbanging or putting the window down and putting the radio up loud. Again, simplistic is really important. When you're starting out to try and get a new normality and it is very different for everybody.

Cate: But I think that asking comes into it too, because we're not a great society of askers, are we?

Joy: We are definitely not. And we are definitely not. I just thought maybe I could just go through what the main things in the book were for people to understand when I'm talking about a framework, if that's okay, Cate. Is we talk about understanding happiness and the components. I sort of briefly touched on those, the benefits of happiness. You know, not just looking younger and looking different but seeing things differently. When you're in that really low type mood, mentally challenged mood, everything is hard. So just having those little components that happiness brings those benefits as well. Exploring what your current happiness is and the meaning around that because you might find that things have shifted with grief, may have been very much centered around the person you've lost. So you need to maybe find new meaning and what is that for you now? Do you have to tweak it? That was very much something that I found, you know, we were young. We were working hard and looking forward to, you know, sharing lots of family trips together and, you know, my husband walking my daughter and down the aisle and things like that. There's a lot of future things that you've got to grapple with as well. So looking at future meaning and future happiness as well is really important. So I sort of covered that as well. As I've said, dreaming of future happiness is one chapter again. And this is again, you just dumping everything down. Creating a personalized happiness plan. That sounds really hard and hard work, but again, it's not very long because you've already done everything before that and you've recognized what makes you happy. And then through reflection, sustaining that happiness. We're always looking at what we do and, "Oh, yeah, I thought if I got that brand new Tesla red, I'd be happy, but no, I really want my little Mazda 3. I can zip around and it doesn't take much petrol." That's just examples off the top of my head. But having a look at how you can sustain it and looking at through gratitude and various other things what is going to be right and not just staying in that path, continually looking at what's going to bring you happiness for yourself.

Cate: You know, like it's again that bringing back to the asking. Like knowing that every little tiny step that you take towards your own happiness and fulfillment is going to impact everybody around you and the whole world around you. I think the line that we use for SoulAdvisor which is, "Nourish yourself, heal our world," is so fundamentally important to a predominantly female profession. And it's the same old adage they say, "Who do you put the oxygen mask on?" You know, and a plane goes down, you put on yourself first and then everyone around you.

Joy: And and I had to be really aware of that. I needed to look after myself because I had two young kids who was struggling deeply and I needed that self-care. I needed those moments of by myself to let that grief out as awful as it was. You know, don't wish that on anyone. But you need to do what's right for you before you can help other people through.

Cate: Absolutely. Yeah, it's true. Well, I wonder if anybody's got any final comments here and then we'll ask Joy to share with us the last part. Doesn't look like it. Early morning's always a bit tricky. It's all about Vegemite toast and pajamas.

Joy: Pajamas. I hope everyone's in their jammies, nice and warm. I'm I'm looking out at my backyard. I have a beautiful labyrinth in my backyard that the birds love pecking around on in the morning. So, magpies and parrots and little blue wrens all twiddling around. So, I have a lovely beautiful stage in front of me that's making me smile as I'm sitting here listening to everyone.

Cate: Glorious. Well, I hope everybody else has got a bit of a view or nice things happening in their vision, too. So, Joy, you've got you are just fundamentally your name, aren't you? It's a great thing. We're we're tasked with that name.

Joy: Yes. My mom always said she always wanted a daughter and there was no females on my father's side for quite a few generations. So, yeah, when I was born, "joy by nature, joy by love," she just said my name had to be Joy. And, yes, I don't know. I just love life. I love people. And I love love creating a ripple to help other people.

Cate: Thank you so much for all you do. You know, when you read your book, it's just full of lightness and full of full of the desire to help. You can really, it's tangible. I'm sure your clients say the same thing.

Joy: Yeah. Thank you.

Cate: Is there anything else you'd like to share with us before we...

A 3-Minute Calm Method

Joy: Well, I thought I did mention I was going to do a gift. Did you want me to just go through that briefly?

Cate: Sure, I'd love you to. Sure.

Joy: Yes. I'm not sure. I've offered to give everyone my 3-Minute to Calm Method. Because again, as I say, things have to be quick for you to do it. And sometimes if you're in a state of overwhelm in that moment, you need to get out of that quickly. And sometimes that's really difficult if you're in the middle of a shopping center or you've stepped out of a meeting because someone's really annoying you or you're challenged or upset, whatever. So I came up with this 3-minute to calm method which gets a lot less as you practice. But it's really just about marrying colours and emotions. And if we have time, I'm happy to just take it through really briefly for you. If you just take a moment, I want you to think of a colour that comes first to mind when you think of calm. Just the very first colour you think of for calm. And just keep that colour there. Now, the next one I'm going to ask you, I don't want you to stay there very long, but I want you to think of a colour of when you are overwhelmed and just recognize that colour and let that go. And now we're going to do the method. I want you to take a big breath in and breathe in that calm colour. Breathe it in. Feel it inside your body as well as outside. And on your exhale, breathe out that other colour. See it leaving your body. Breathe it out through your mouth. Breathe it out. Don't hold it. Just breathe it out. Don't give it a name. And continue doing that in your own time. Everyone breathe at different rates. Breathe in that calm colour. Really bring it in. Bring your shoulders up. Breathe it in through your belly. And on your exhale, breathe out that other colour. Breathe it out. Breathe it out. Don't give it a name. Just breathe it out. And continue doing that within your calm colour. Feel your body responding. And breathe out that other colour. Do that just for a couple more times. Breathe in that calm colour. Feel it all through your body, around you, your eyes, everywhere. Breathe out that other colour if you have that other colour. And just one more time in your own time. Breathe in the calm and exhale. You shouldn't have any other colour come out. Take a moment just to bring your breathing back to normal. When you're ready, just come back to me and Cate.

Cate: Beautiful. Really, really beautiful. It reminds me so much of Buddhist practices where you breathe in colours, different colours through your left and right nostril and release. Yes. I always practice that because I find it so functional and great.

Joy: It is. And it doesn't matter what colour you think of, but we don't name that other colour again because then you start associating. We just say breathe it out. It's a great little method for kids of all ages. I work with ADHD and autistic kids and they recognize colour works so well for them. I go, "What colour are we doing?" You know, if they're in a state of trauma. So I hope you enjoy that. I have provided that on a sheet for you to have and download. So I hope you enjoy that.

Cate: Absolutely. I think we actually put it on the event, but we're also going to be putting it on the YouTube and linking it there and then sending it out as well when we make everything that you've shared this morning. So thank you. It's a great thing to wake up to your spirit.

Joy: Well, I hope you all had a lovely morning and I hope you have a fabulous day and always remember before Cate wraps up that we're making tomorrow's memories today. So, make them good ones and fill every day with joy.

Cate: Thank you, Joy.

Joy: Thanks, Cate.